Reprinted from the Health District's quarterly publication mailed to district residents (Summer 2002)

The "Talk” just doesn’t cut it with today’s teens.

“Sitting down for one full-blown discussion, or even several, isn’t an effective way to communicate with teens,” says Sondra Medina, a Loveland therapist. “When information is presented that way it’s easier for them to just blow it off.

“You make talking a part of life rather than waiting for a specific time to have a conversation.”

Medina suggests that parents help their children with their decision-making early on.

“Kids do better when they are allowed to make their own decisions and learn from the consequences of those decisions,” she says. “If you start early, then the foundation is laid for when they are teens and aren’t listening to you as much.”

“But don’t just talk about the big stuff – talk about everything.”

Pediatric psychologist Michael Griffith gives the same advice to his clients at the Fort Collins Youth Clinic.

“Prime the pump by asking them about their day every day,” he says. “Then when it’s time for the big issues the lines of communication are open.”

He tells parents to view the process as talking with your teens, not to them.

“I think of it as an ongoing dialogue,” he says. “If the parent is the only one doing the talking it’s a lecture – and lecturing isn’t an effective way of communicating.”

Poudre High School students participating in a recent program on communication agreed. The program was mediated by Poudre Connections, a peer counseling group that offers programming on topics of interest to students.

“I think sometimes they (adults) get so stuck on what they’re trying to tell you they don’t listen to what you’re saying,” says sophomore Fletcher Groeneman.

Other teens in the class nodded in agreement.

“Sometimes it helps if you say to your parents or your teacher `I just need you to listen to me’,” says Cathy Toplyn, a parent and teacher who participated in the program. “As a parent, our first impulse is to protect you and find a solution.”

Parents have to be careful to separate out their own issues from what is going on with their teens, Griffith says.

“As parents of a teen, they are going through a lot themselves,” he says. “And their teens know how to push their buttons.

“They have to be able to step back and say `How much of this is about me and how much is about my teen’.”

Griffith says a common mistake is for parents to want to be their child’s friend rather than his or her parent.

“Parents have to set up the boundaries,” he says. “It’s hard because parents want their teens to like them.

“I see a lot of parents looking to their kids for approval of their parenting techniques.”

Griffith says it’s better for parents to seek feedback outside the family.

“Teens are always at their most intense at home,” he says. “Parents who find out how their teens interact with others are often in for a pleasant surprise.”

Parents are also in for a pleasant surprise in the long run.

“All the data and research tells us that a person’s moral compass is set by what they’ve learned from their parents,” he says. “They really will thank you later.”