Reprinted from the Health District's quarterly publication mailed to district residents (fall 2000)

As parents, Joseph and Leslie DiVerdi's daily schedule is a familiar one.

Mornings are spent keeping her on track to get dressed, making sure she's got her breakfast and then getting her to daycare so they can head off to work. After work, the couple picks her up, shares a meal as a family and spends some time together before bed. 

And sometime in between, they find time for their daughter. 

The "she" in their daily caretaking routine is not their teenage daughter, but Joseph's mom. In her early 80s, "Mom" moved in a year-and-a-half ago, just as their son was leaving for college and their daughter was entering her senior year of high school. 

"Being a parent prepares you for the caretaking side of things," Joseph says. "But caring for the elderly is different than raising kids.

"Kids get better, more independent, the elderly don't."

Twenty-two percent of the American population has eldercare responsibilities, while raising their own families, according to information from Work/Family Directions, Inc., a Boston-based consulting firm.

Four out of five disabled older adults are cared for in the home, according to Work/Family Directions statistics. Children, primarily daughters, are most often the ones providing that care. 

The rising number of people caring for their elderly parents is resulting in increased support for caregivers. In January, President Clinton proposed the "Caregiver Initiative," which would allocate $125 million in services for those caring for the elderly. The Initiative will be considered this fall as part of the Older American Act. 
"Providing 24-hour care is so demanding that burnout happens very quickly," says Jill Heise of Elderhaus, which offers adult daycare for those living with Alzheimer's disease. "Things like giving an adult a bath are very physically demanding.

The DiVerdis take advantage of Elderhaus' offer to help with the draining work of caring for someone with advancing Alzheimer's. Those with the disease, which causes dementia, are on the highest end of the maintenance scale. That "Mom" lives with the family is even more demanding on the family. 

But many Baby Boomers are feeling sandwiched by caretaking responsibilities even if their parents aren't living with them, or even nearby.

"I'm getting a growing number of children calling from out of the area trying to arrange care for their parents," says Katy Mason, information and referral specialist for the Larimer County Office on Aging. "Nobody wants to put parents into long-term care until it's absolutely necessary."

The county coordinates a wide variety of services for older adults, from home healthcare to transportation services to providing financial advice. 

Although services are available, many children struggle with guilt from not caring for their parents themselves. 

"It's easy for a child to fall into a co-dependency where they feel they are the only ones who can do things for their parent," says Nancy McCambridge Driskill, a counselor with Consultants for Aging Families and one of the founders of the Elder Care Network. "The most loving thing a child can do is provide support and resources and relate to their parent as a dear friend.

"We shouldn't try to parent our parent." 

McCambridge says many in the "sandwich generation” are so overwhelmed they don't feel they are doing a good job at anything. 

"It's important to learn what things are out of our control," she says. "For instance, we can't control our mother's happiness.”

The DiVerdis have made peace with their limitations. The couple recently decided it was time to move “Mom” into an assisted living facility. Coincidentally, their daughter is headed off to college this fall and they will have an empty nest. 

"I sat in Mom's empty room the other day and it was really a sad feeling," Leslie says. "She was so much a part of our every day.

"I'll miss her, but it was time."