Reprinted from the Health District's quarterly publication mailed to district residents (Winter 2004)

It’s not every day that a 9-year-old is elected senator, not to mention on a platform of reforming how dishes are washed. Then again, the Kelleys may not be your average Fort Collins family.

   As the middle child in a family of five, Sarah Kelley wanted more say at home. Shortly after the presidential election, she crafted a speech and handed out ballots to her constituents — 11-year-old sister; 2-year-old brother, Mom and Dad. When the votes were tallied, it was unanimous: Sarah was elected senator of the Kelley household. (President, they decided, was too big a bite.)

   What prompted Sarah’s bold foray into politics was the problem she had with dirty dishes, not just for herself but for her older sister with whom she shared the chore. Sister Rachel agreed.

   “What it did for her was to make her feel like she has a voice,” says Norma Huerta-Kelley of her daughter Sarah’s experience.

   Having children share in chores and other family responsibilities contributes to their healthy development, experts say. But for too many families, the scale tips the other way.

   Too many toys, too many activities and too many other must-haves can lead to overindulgence.

   Deciding where to draw the line is difficult for parents who want nothing more for their kids than the quintessential better life.

   “When parents overindulge their kids, it’s out of love,” says Lin Wilder, coordinator of Connections, a local mental health and substance abuse resource center.

   “The ultimate goal is to make them happy and show them our love. And not only are we overindulging them in some ways, but we have too many expectations in others, like doing too much too soon in academics and sports.”

For parents, it’s a struggle. How do they balance children’s needs and wants amid pressures from friends, TV — and even other parents — to own the latest and greatest toys, to play sports at an Olympic-caliber level, to win acceptance at the best college?

   Wilder suggests that parents look for other ways than buying extravagant gifts to express love. Start by asking your child what makes him or her feel loved. Wilder did. The answer she got from her 6-year-old daughter was, “Having you tell me you love me.”

   “As parents have become busier and have more income, there’s the sense that they have to make up for lack of time,” Wilder says. “Stuff is the easiest thing to give. We’re a materialistic society.”

   Kids who are overindulged are often spoiled, stressed and grow up ill-equipped to take care of themselves, make decisions and deal with disappointment in life, therapists say.

   Norma and Daniel Kelley, both 37, saw their children heading down that path. Their incomes afforded their girls chances to play in several sports, music lessons and the luxury of choosing nice restaurants to eat at three to four times a week. But the grueling schedule left everyone feeling wiped out.

   Three years ago, the couple traded in affluence for more family time. Today, they live on one income, one-third as large. The turning point came when Norma’s younger brother died of a heart attack. “He had a lot of stress and made a lot of money. And I realized, it’s just not worth it,” says Norma, who saw the toll stress was taking on their family.

   For the Kelleys, the sacrifices were many. No private school, for starters. No cable TV. A limited budget for clothes. Those and other decisions were hard at first, Norma says, but their kids have benefited from a stronger family bond. “Time is money,” she says. “It’s precious and priceless.”

   Having less income didn’t mean rejecting all of their kids’ wishes. It just meant getting creative.

   “In the summer, I had the girls make a list of things we could do every week that don’t cost that much money,” Norma says. “We rode bikes, made picnics at the park, went to the mountains, went to the $2 movie and went to the library.”

   Overindulgence is “pretty much rampant in our society and culture,” says Dr. Kathleen Kralik, a clinical psychologist and child development expert from Arkansas.

   Affecting families regardless of income or status, it is a “backlash to authoritarian parenting,” she says. “It’s like throwing out the baby with the bath water. We think our parents did it all wrong, and we don’t do the analysis of  ‘What did they do right?’ ”

   But overindulgence isn’t limited to material things.

   For example, when a parent is always running interference for the child — be it demanding a higher grade from a teacher or stepping in if the child gets into an argument with a friend — the child becomes overly dependent.

   “Parents who overindulge don’t want their kids to experience painful emotions,” says Joan Cmar, a mental health therapist at Connections. “They overcompensate and the children never learn how to handle strife and conflict. They don’t have the tools.”

   No parent, including Wilder, wants to see a child unhappy. She recalls standing by as her daughter wrestled with a decision whether to play soccer or take gymnastics. Time and finances did not allow both, she explained to her. But Hanna couldn’t choose. It was too difficult, the 6-year-old pleaded. But Mom wouldn’t give in, and left the choice to her. After more deliberation and short-lived disappointment, Hanna arrived at her decision: Gymnastics it would be.

   For Wilder and other parents, discussing the reasons for the decisions they make with their kids is time well-spent. “Having a conversation isn’t quick,” she says. “Giving them 20 bucks is quick.”